“Setting boundaries is a way of caring for myself. It doesn’t make me mean, selfish, or uncaring because I don’t do things your way. I care about me too.” —Christine Morgan
Caring for ourselves is challenging enough in today’s fast-paced world, but self-care within relationships adds another layer of complexity. Fortunately, there is a vital skill that can help navigate this complexity: setting boundaries. This practice builds self-respect, earns respect from others, provides guideposts in relationships, and helps prevent resentment and emotional turmoil. This article explores the art of setting, protecting, and respecting boundaries.
The Art of Boundaries
Understanding Boundaries
Boundaries are essential for defining acceptable and unacceptable behaviors within relationships. They help us understand what we can tolerate from friends, family, and romantic partners, both physically and emotionally. Boundaries communicate our identity by stating, “I am me, and my needs, desires, and expectations are different from yours, and I am willing to voice them.”
Our boundaries can be rigid, loose, somewhere in between, or even non-existent. A complete lack of boundaries may indicate a weak sense of identity or enmeshment with someone else. For example, saying, “It doesn’t matter what I want, I only want what you want,” shows a lack of self-identity.
Boundaries are not just about what behaviors we accept; they also determine how open or closed we are to others. Growing up in a boundary-less environment—where there is no private space, no ability to say no, no respect for privacy, or even physical and sexual abuse—can lead to overly strict or rigid boundaries as a form of self-protection. However, being too guarded can prevent meaningful connections with others. Conversely, having no boundaries can leave us feeling depleted and lacking a solid sense of self.
Examples of Clear Boundaries
Declaring boundaries clearly can keep relationships healthy. Here are some practical examples:
- “I need my kids to tell me when they’ll be home late.”
- “I feel disrespected when you don’t listen or interrupt me.”
- “I expect you to repay the money you borrowed.”
- “It’s not okay for my roommates to enter my room without permission.”
- “I expect my friends not to repeat personal information I share.”
- “Don’t call me at work unless it’s an emergency.”
- “I’m not okay with comments about my body, weight, or appearance.”
- “I decide what kind of touch and contact I have with others.”
- “I know I said I could do that favor, but I am not able to.”
Why Setting Boundaries is Hard
Many believe that love means never having to set boundaries, but this is incorrect. Love does not require denying our own needs. Endless giving is often seen as part of being a good mother, wife, or friend, leading to guilt when setting boundaries. Self-care challenges this notion by asserting that we must protect ourselves from being stepped on.
Fear of anger or conflict can also deter boundary setting. However, as Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend note in their book Boundaries, “The person who is angry at you for setting boundaries is the one with the problem.” Maintaining boundaries is beneficial for others, teaching them respect that their families might not have taught them.
Reflecting on my own experiences, I manage boundaries well in some areas, like my professional life. I take Sundays off, refuse calls after 9 p.m., and maintain strict session times. In my personal life, I am firm about only engaging in supportive and respectful relationships and will not tolerate physical abuse.
However, I sometimes avoid setting boundaries to prevent conflict, leading to unspoken boundaries being crossed. This results in feelings of violation and resentment without the other person knowing. Learning to assert boundaries without fearing the consequences is an ongoing challenge.
The Cost of Loose or Nonexistent Boundaries
Failing to set boundaries can lead to negative emotions like sadness, anger, and resentment. Unaddressed boundary violations hurt both the individual and their relationships, potentially leading to withdrawal and emotional disconnect. When boundaries are not respected, trivial arguments often stand in for more significant issues, masking deeper feelings of hurt and mistrust.
Setting boundaries is a crucial aspect of self-care and maintaining healthy relationships. It involves more than just saying no; it means taking responsibility for our well-being and teaching others to respect our needs and limits. By understanding and practicing boundary-setting, we can foster better relationships and lead a more balanced, fulfilling life. For family and friends of those in recovery, supporting the practice of setting boundaries can significantly aid in their journey towards lasting sobriety and emotional health.
